Once upon a time I was utterly disconnected from my body and therefore my sexuality.
At the time I didn’t actually know that this was the case.
I was bought up in a conservative, religious family and attended a private girls school.
As a teenager, there was a deep curiosity in me about sex. Sex was the thing that I felt strongly in myself and all around me. It was the thing that I already perceived as wrong, the thing that should never be discussed, the thing that only naughty dirty girls did. It was also the mysterious thing that everybody was so desperately avoiding and hungry for. What was that thing? I innately knew my sexuality, I was naturally very sensual and sexual but I had been warned away from it and slowly disconnected from it. It felt discombobulating even as a teenager to feel something so powerful in myself and not be ‘allowed’ to know it or explore it or even have one sensible adult I could speak to about it.
Understanding sex felt like a red flag to a bull to me. I was determined to find out more and I wasn’t settling till I understood what that ‘thing’ was.
I set off on a world-wide adventure that took me to the peaks of Bolivia and I looked low in the depths of the Antarctic. I went all over the globe in search. I was hell bent on finding my missing bits. It was a classic ‘Heroine’s Journey’. I travelled, and sex’d and party’d and drug’d and yoga’d and studied and workshopped and guru’d and danced and broke and found bits and lost them again.
By 30 I was in hot pursuit of orgasm. They had mostly eluded me, or perhaps I had eluded them! I came across a Tantric Workshop, which I knew nothing about, with a fellow by the name of Shantam Nityama. I volunteered to be his demo model because something in me knew that I had to go for it and Nityama smiled his slow smile at me and said ‘of course’…..
The workshop was new territory for me, I didn’t know that much about sex or orgasm I had no idea what Tantra meant…..I was incredulous, if not slightly jealous of all the women around me breaking into spontaneous orgasm without any touch?!? At the time I remember thinking they weren’t for real…. It was all just a bit odd.
I had no idea what would happen on that demo table (nothing was my worst fear), I got on anyway. Yep, I took all my clothes off and lay on that table, like a sacrifice at the altar of the universe….
In a nutshell – it was mind-blowing…literally!!!!
After an hour on the demo table, with very little touch I had gone from high pitched, central nervous system fraying anxiety about the fact that nothing was happening and I would never cum…into a state of completely mind blown pleasure. Nityama was standing by me with his hands above my body, moving them slowly back and forth………I heard it coming, like a strong wind it got louder and louder. It came in through my feet and pulsed powerfully right through my body, up and down up and down…mercilessly until I had no choice, I couldn’t hold on any longer … I couldn’t control it with my mind, there was no space to think …….even a teeny bit.
On and on and on until I was a blithering mess of complete surrender, SO MUCH PLEASURE. I had been completely transported way way beyond and above anything I could have imagined in my wildest fantasies
I lost any self-consciousness my insistent mind chatter had been completely silenced, I had been transported to a realm of intense pleasure and even further where every breath was vast and deeply sensual, my body had morphed into the cosmos I had totally let go, completely surrendered. It was official my chakras had been blown and my ‘Kundalini’ had well and truly risen.
When I came back into ‘normal time’ there were 40 eager participants standing around the demo table, I was splayed, naked and the sheet had slipped off, I wasn’t fazed, I couldn’t care less….I was so in the afterglow with ripples of pleasure caressing my body for the next few hours and lots of trembling and shaking as my body re-wired, Nityama helped me from the table and we found a comfortable place for me to lie and breathe covered in blankets for the rest of the day. You can’t help but love the man that guides you masterfully through a complete reconnection with your deep eroticism and pleasure, that hour changed my relationship to myself and my life.
And therein lay the start of my understanding of so many things to do with sexuality, the importance of pleasure and the unbelievable potential and vast intelligence of the human body.
Now I am a completely sexually integrated enlightened human being….. clearly I am pulling your leg!!! The journey never finishes, my sexuality is forever evolving and changing and there are always more exciting discoveries and a few steps backwards and so on. Sexual awakening, connection and empowerment are a life time adventure.
With the delectable experience of becoming an Orgasmic Woman I noticed how I wanted everyone to know that their bodies were capable of SO much pleasure. That it wasn’t only after a bottle of wine or a weekend away. Pleasure was available all the time, even within domestic and mundane everyday life, and it was important, on so many levels, physiologically it is vital.
We live in a world in which we are trained from an early age to suppress and manipulate our natural sexual impulses (which has its place of course), but we have become increasingly pathological and violent toward the natural system that we depend upon for survival.
Presently I am noticing how easily modern life and our belief systems support us to override what our bodies are telling us. When I think back over my life I am noticing the moments where I did not listen to my body and made rather large decisions that have had a deep impact on my life.
Now I am dedicated to being curious to noticing. The intention to notice is where the magic can start to happen. Transformation and healing are the natural consequence of being intentionally aware. Right now, I find myself in a deep place of stillness with my sexuality, very internal, and nothing to do with connection outside of myself. I am finding my pleasure and my eroticism piqued by the most unusual and unexpected moments in life.
It is a deep abiding desire in me to offer sessions that allow a profound transformation through the doorway of your sexuality, within the context of everyday life.